It’s really hard to find your vice when your vice has always been food. When you are happy that is how you celebrate. When you are mad that is how you take out your frustration. Sad you bury your sorrow. You get my drift. Well today is one of those days. Those days where my emotions are so big that I don;t know what to do. Take all the holiday stress, through in a sprinkle of drama and top it off with the memories of the anniversary of my broken heart and there you have it. In the past it would have been binge time. It is 930 in the morning and I would be in my jammies on the couch pigging out with anything my heart desires. I mean come on, we just took a trip to Hershey with my parents this past weekend. They got the kiddos enough candy to choke a horse, there are plenty of snacks in the house.
But I can;t do that. I mean technically I can. A lot of junk food are slider foods, which go down relatively easily. I could bury myself in a bowl of popcorn or nachos if I really wanted to. I could even have a huge glass of chocolate milk and round it out with a few Godiva truffles. I mean sure I may get a massive sugar high and then spend the next few hours on the couch feeling the awfulness but what the hell, I am already feeling awful anyway, why not indulge? All of these things crossed my mind, trust me. But then I thought why? Why put myself through hell just because I feel like hell. Why put myself through torture and pain just because I am feeling really shitty right now? Isn;t that feeling enough for me. Right now I am reliving pent up sorrow and hurt and burying those emotions in my food or whatever is not going to make it better. When I come down from the highs of eating not only am I going to feel it again, I am going to feel worse for what I just put my body through.
So I decided that I am going to let myself feel what I am feeling. I am going to cry for the loss of the relationship. I am going to let myself mourn for what went wrong. I am going to let myself yell and scream for where I think I was wronged. I am going to let myself laugh at the foolishness of this whole thing. I am going to live out every emotion I am feeling. And when I am actually hungry I am going to go in that fridge and get myself something that is not only satisfying but also good for me. Because in the end not only is it his loss that he isn;t around. But it is my gain because I am so much healthier and well balanced in my body but my soul too. I am going to be emotional. I am not going to let my food get the privilege of feeling my emotions for me.
I am writing this instead. Writing thing to let you know how I am going to get through the day. Without emotionally eating. But with emotional healing. I hope you can do the same. I’m always here if you need me.
xox
Taking My Sparkle Back 
I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling like hell so you might as well eat everything in the house and then really feel like hell. I would sometimes feel so low that I would eat to the point of it physically hurting because I wanted something other than my emotions to hurt.
It’s HARD to let yourself feel the emotions; it’s scary and awful and I’m still not good at it. But I try. And the feelings do go away, as I’m sure you’re finding out. I love what you said, though, about not letting food get the privilege of feeling your emotions for you. That’s exactly it… exactly what we’re doing when we eat away the pain. We’re saying we can’t handle it, but cookies.. cookies can handle it. Taking back the right to feel your own emotions is a really big deal. xx
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Day by day, we are learning how much we can handle. Step by step we are realizing how much we deserve the victories we are achieving, even when they seem so small. We got this xox
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