Do you see what I see?

I see the way you look at me, when I walk past you, or when I sit down just to get off my feet for a few minutes. While my kids, who are built like string beans play on the playground. I know what I look like, I know what over 300lbs looks like on a frame that is only 5’4. I know that I have a pretty face and I have huge boobs and a huge behind. I know that I have nice calves that are decorated by all my pretty ink. I know all this. But do you see what I see? I don’t know what part of me you are looking at. Do you see the girl underneath that is fighting to reclaim her life? The girl who struggles each day because what she sees in the mirror is not what her friends have reflected back to her. Do you see the girl who looks at numbers on the scale and wants to cry because they go up by an ounce and not down? Do you see the Mommy that misses having her kids around because then she has an excuse to walk around? Because she doesn’t like the way you notice her when she walks alone. She doesn’t like the way you stare.

Are you watching the sweat that beads down my face when I step out of the car? Or that pink shade I turn within a few steps because it’s hot, I’m Scottish and I am big? Are you looking for the person that is behind the sunglasses? Or are you staring at the way the summer clings the shirt I am wearing to my belly? Or are you wondering how my two wonderous sprites came from me? Sometimes I wonder that too. Are you judging what I’m drinking, because it’s water? When I look in the mirror I see that girl that Shallow Hal fell for, but the way everyone but him sees her. The only time I see the girl inside is when I look into my eyes. Then I see the girl inside fighting to get out. It is then that I push through, that I change the image. It is then that I am ok, that I am accepted and beautiful. It is then that I see the strength that I hold deep inside.

So tell me, what do you see when you look at me? Do you see what I see?

First Things First…Dieting Advice

So…This wasn’t how I was going to start my first day of the blog but since it needs to be addressed I will address it as such. I did not start this blog to gather dieting advice. I love to hear from everyone on what has worked for them and what they have tried in order to succeed in their goals. I am very PROUD that you are making your life work. I have started this blog to chronicle MY journey of weight loss, to discuss what has and hasn’t worked for me. NOT to solicit advice to to hear what I am doing wrong. I appreciate you telling me what I could do, but if I have told you that I have done it, please do not keep pushing it in my face to try something. You are going to start sounding like a broken record and generally going to stat to bug me.

I am GLAD that your diet worked for you

I most likely HAVE tried your diet and it either DIDN’T work for me or it sounded like something I DIDN’T think I wanted to try

I WILL be going into detail on the various diets I HAVE and HAVE NOT tried and hopefuly getting stories from people that they have worked for and not worked for so that you guys have a wide range of views

But in case you did not read the ABOUT section or the Welcome To My World post my journey is steadily going towards gastric sleeve surgery and is going to be focusing on my life pre and post op. Along with the issues surrounding weight loss with auto immune diseases, binge eating disorder and mental health problems.

As I have said I LOVE to hear from ALL of you so please keep an open mind, an open heart and stop knocking on my door with your dietary guidebook in your hand. Because  I will answer naked with a handful of pita chips and tell you I do not believe in the beach body you are selling.

Skin Envy

*This article was originally published in Elephant Journal. I was blessed to have had it make such a difference in the lives of the people that have read it. The link to it is at the bottom of the post. Please Enjoy. Share. Comment*

I have been having some bad days lately. Days where looking at the reflection of myself in the glass of buildings have made me cringe. I have fallen into a spiral, a struggle that I know I fight everyday.

Ever since I wrote this I have been completely taken aback at the impact it has had on my life. As a disabled 32 year old that is still figuring everything out, you have given me the platform to speak about something that I feel is really important to a lot of people.

I have received the kindest words, the most inspirational stories and the sweetest thank yous. From men in their twenties to women in their forties, teenage bloggers who have had a life harder than most should to people just overcoming their weight issues; my story has run the gamut of international emotions. And on days like today, when I can barely move, it is those stories that inspire me to write more. To smile and know that I have fulfilled one of my childhood dreams of touching the lives of people and making a difference.

So there you go, my diatribe. I would love for any of you to read my story and pass it along to those you think need it even if they don’t know it yet.

there is more of me to put out there, and I am finally brave enough to try.
❤

Skin Envy

Welcome to my World

It’s 1145pm on Sunday, July 10th and I have sat here for a good hour staring at my computer trying to figure out what the hell to type to welcome you to my world. My words may come up as snarky or crass sometimes, but hey at least I am honest. So on that note…let’s get this party started.

If you have read the ABOUT section then you would know that my name is Shaina and I have two wonderful awesome kiddos. You will see pictures of them at some point. They keep me on my toes or at least they do their best to. At this current moment in time, I am 5’5 and weigh roughly 317 pounds. Which means I have gained 4 pounds since the last time I weighed myself at the doctor….Fuck. That is how I feel about that.

My weight loss journey has had many ups and downs which will be chronicled in great detail (as I have written it out as such) in another post and currently I am speeding along towards my decision to have gastric sleeve surgery. My surgery will be taking place sometime between the end of the Summer and the beginning of the Fall. With the surgery, I am hoping that I not only gain control of my weight loss and energy levels but that I also gain some more control over any of the 5 autoimmune diseases my body is wracked with. Fingers crossed as I know this is not a miracle cure for anything, I have very realistic goals, but one can hope for little things to fall into place.

Over the course of all my writing, I hope to gain some insight into other people’s experiences, I hope to become more self-aware and mindful and I hope to be able to be a touchstone to all of you going through the journey as well.