I bought shorts today. Now I say tgat and most people would think that isn’t a huge deal. But it is to me. I am not someone that buys clothes easily. I still walk into a store overestimating the size I wear. I get the sweats, I can’t breathe and I break down because I get scared nothing will fit right. For years I could only shop one place. But today, I walked into a normal clothing store and bought a pair of shorts. I was worried that my legs would be too big in them, that I couldn’t pull them off, that something just wouldn’t work. But you know what? They fit pretty damn nicely. And the last time I owned a pair of shorts, well that was when the other picture was taken. 132lbs ago. My journey is not over and I am not done fighting to where I want to be. But I’ll take a pair of shorts as a sign of victory along the way.
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So here I am, 9 months out of surgery…can’t believe it’s been that long already. I look in the mirror everyday trying to see something different and it’s weird. Almost surreal. I see the shape of my face has changed entirely, the collarbone that I never noticed before. I can tell that my clothes fit differently, the sizes are all wrong. But the rest, I have a hard time with. I struggled over the past month being stuck at a number, trying to remind myself it’s just a number, it’s my health that’s more important. But I’m not going to lie, that is a hard mental block to overcome.
In 9 months I have lost over 90 pounds. I have lost over 68% of my body weight. That’s fucking incredible. I know it is. I wish I could be as impressed with it when I looked at myself as when I thought about it. Right now, I see a girl that needs to do more.
Maybe it’s because my clothes don’t fit right, they are still to big. So I can’t appreciate how far I’ve come. Maybe it’s because I rely too much on the numbers instead of on how I feel. Maybe it’s because I just haven’t fully learned how to love me yet. I’m working on it.
130 pouns down since last year. Thats a whole person. I know in my heart how much I’ve acheived. I think it’s time to take some new pictures to show myself just how far I’ve come.
Have you struggled with this? Let me know your story.
Here we are, six months out (ok ok, a week or so past but I’ve been busy) and things are doing well. Went to the doctor and I don’t think I have ever smiled that much in my entire life. Or been called a Rockstar. Or told that I was a Superstar. So here is the scoop folks.
Six Months Post Op – 80 Pounds down! 120 Pounds down since I started to program in January 2016!!! That is craziness!!!! And AMAZING!!!!!!
59% of my excess body weight lost and my BMI has gone from 53 to 39. That’s 9 away from where the doc wants me to be. All in all, I think this is all such very good news.
In other news, my doc and I have discussed not only the fact that there is the eventuality of skin surgery. And that is something that excites and frightens me on so many different levels. TO know that all the hard work I am putting in would finally show on the outside is something that is so amazing to me. The fact that it is another surgery is something that is a little daunting but nothing more than being afraid of the dark is anymore. I have put the effort into everything I have done, this is just a step to help show my hard work.
We also discussed the fact that we have to take care of the two hernias that have occurred since surgery. I went in for a CAT scan and it came back with…Yupp, you have two hernias. There is a chance that he is going to take care of them before the insurance clears him to do my skin surgery. It is still unclear if he can go in without completely opening me up, but I’m hoping that I won’t have too many battle scars. At least I know that my scars will be well worn the battle that I went through for them.
As for my weight loss progress, my doctor has no goal weight for me. He just wants me healthy. He wants my BMI down to 30. I always thought my goal weight should be down to 140lb due to my height and things I have read. I never figured out an ideal size because I haven’t been smaller than a 14 in so many years, I don’t know what that would be like. I just know I still have a road ahead of me.
I still have to work on getting enough protein in my body. I am working on tracking my food and my exercise. I am working on getting more exercise every day. I have been getting more water in my body than I usually do. I am taking steps each day to reach my goals.
Let me know how you guys are doing!!!
100 Pounds…100 POUNDS!!!!
That blows my mind. I can’t even fathom it and yet here it is. Proof in the photo, just like that. I’ve done it, I’ve lost 100 pounds. I couldn’t believe it this morning, bleary eyed on the scale. But there it was. I was so excited and I didn’t understand the whole scale selfie thing until that moment. I’ve worked so hard for so long and finally, it’s happened. Like a whole years worth of burdens off of my shoulders. I’ve lost an entire person. A person I held onto for much too long. Weighing me down, making me so unhappy. But that’s in the past now and the future is so bright I can feel it’s sparkle shine on my face. Look out world, I’M HERE!!!
Has it really been 6 weeks? Well now it is a little more like 7 and I realize I haven’t given you much of an update lately. Life has been a little crazy. Holidays coming up, starting to eat real food (YAY!) and I just got back from a life changing experience at Rhode Island Comic Con. (For more about that feel free to check out my other blog Under the Guise of Glitter) But here we are 6 weeks out and I feel like it is time to fill you in on a little bit of what is going on. So first of all. Stats. I know I just posted these but what the heck, for those of you who haven’t seen them HW – 356 SW – 309 CW – 275 Which brings it to 81 pounds lost since I started my journey and 34 pounds lost since surgery. Pretty spiffy ey? I think so! I am pretty fucking proud of myself. Current sizes are a size 20 jeans, way down from the size 28 that I wore into that operating room and somewhere between a large and xl shirt. I still have quite a big chest but as I learned from when I had my lap band surgery. My chest really doesn’t go away that quickly.
Surgical update – My doctor is super happy at all the weight I have lost. Especially since I was on mega restriction not only because of healing time but also because of the two hernias that were found just after I had my sleeve done. He has decided to wait on the hernia surgery. He has said that with more weight off, hernia surgery would be easier and put less stress on my body. He has also said, the more weight I lose, the closer to skin surgery that I would be getting so he would be able to do both surgeries at once and not have to put me under twice. Honestly, I am hoping that I won’t need skin surgery. I dig scars but not that much. But here is hoping that I am able to knock off lots of weight and keep up the progress. The best news. I CAN GO BACK TO THE GYM!!!!!!! No crazy lifting because he doesn’t want me to hurt a hernia but I can go work out, which will help get rid of this weight and help make me feel more like a person again. THANK THE STARS!!!!!!
All the other stuff – The rest of my life is falling into place. With the support from my closest friends, I am pushing through all of the sadness. It helps that I will be able to be a functioning part of society again. With the restrictions lifted I actually feel like I can accomplish things which help. I do not have an ugly surgery having over my head at the moment. I got to spend a weekend away from all the scary stuff and stress and really just feel out who I was again which helped tremendously. I have also realized that I really just need to get rid of the clothes that don’t fit. As a bigger girl, I hid away in bigger clothes, I realize as the pounds come off the baggy clothes just make me feel ugly. Like I am hiding from what I used to be. I still have a hard time cooking in the mirror and I don;t know when that will change. I haven’t come to love my scars yet and there are still days where I question what I did. Not because I hate my decision but because the numbers on the scale don’t change. I have not stalled per say but I have to remember that it is inches, not pounds or sometimes it is water my body is holding onto. Keeping track of what I eat, how much I drink and what I am doing…It is all hard but all a part of life at least in these early stages and there are days I question if I am up to it. I now I am. I know I am doing all the right things and I am proud of how far I have come. My journey is still in its infantdom, I have so much more left in this marathon. I can’t wait to see where the next few steps take me.
Well, there is no weigh in this week but I totally wanted to give you an update on everything that has gone on 🙂
So we are just a little over 2 weeks out of surgery and life is going on. I am on full liquids now meaning yogurts and puddings and such. Trying to get in 60 to 80 grams of protien in and at least 64oz of water. When you have a tiny sleeve it is super hard to fit that much into a day. I have gotten very sick of my protien shakes and have started to try other things. I picked up some Premier Protien caramel drinks, which are 30grams of protien and taste pretty good just alone. They are a thicker liquid so they stay in my sleeve longer, they take me about an hour or so to drink a whole one but it’s worth it. I also have progressed myself a little faster to a little bit of a thicker liquid almost bordering on puree. I am not supposed to be starting on purees until Saturday, but they are getting me full and my protien goals are getting met easier. I have also found myself with less pain and more energy this way. I am not advancing myself any quicker than this though. Sticking it out with purees until I am ready for soft foods, which won’t be until the end of the month.
Now let’s talk about the other stuff. Mentally I am exhausted. I have found it really hard to keep up with the process of healing and trying to keep on top of everuthing. I realize I can not yet handle everything I was doing before surgery, logically it makes sense, but I am still pushing myself to try. I also find myself stressing out over the little things. I wasn’t expecting an instant change but now that it is all said and done I don’t know what to expect. I sit here everyday and I’m wondering what is going to happen next. My support system is so big but I hardly have anyone around to physically hold my hand through this rollercoaster of emotions. I have been feeling very alone lately. I am trying to push through this. I know everything will be ok. I could just really use a hug.
The motivation is there. The drive is there. I am focused. I know things are going to great. This is just a bump. I got this.
More to come!
Well ya’ll, in less than 12 hours I will be horned, iv’d and ready to be rolled into that sterile room for one of the biggest days of my life. I have waited so long for this moment and worked so very hard and I can’t believe that the day is finally here. As I sit here eating a sugar free ice pop, while my house is filled with the smell of homemade pasta sauce and salad I realize how very lucky I am. I’m lucky to have a house filled with support and love, I’m lucky to have the support of you out there, I’m lucky to be able to take this step forward in confidence knowing I will succeed. No matter what has happened and what will come to pass, this journey is worth everything I have gone through to get here. Tomorrow I start not just a new chapter but a whole new story in my life. I am starting this story with a fresh outlook, a fresh perspective and an enthusiasm that can not be matched. Tomorrow my new life begins, my journey towards a healthy, happy future for myself and my children. Can’t wait to get this party started!
Check in with ya in the morning!!!