Weighing in 9 months out

So here I am, 9 months out of surgery…can’t believe it’s been that long already. I look in the mirror everyday trying to see something different and it’s weird. Almost surreal. I see the shape of my face has changed entirely, the collarbone that I never noticed before. I can tell that my clothes fit differently, the sizes are all wrong. But the rest, I have a hard time with. I struggled over the past month being stuck at a number, trying to remind myself it’s just a number, it’s my health that’s more important. But I’m not going to lie, that is a hard mental block to overcome.

In 9 months I have lost over 90 pounds. I have lost over 68% of my body weight. That’s fucking incredible. I know it is. I wish I could be as impressed with it when I looked at myself as when I thought about it. Right now, I see a girl that needs to do more. 

Maybe it’s because my clothes don’t fit right, they are still to big. So I can’t appreciate how far I’ve come. Maybe it’s because I rely too much on the numbers instead of on how I feel. Maybe it’s because I just haven’t fully learned how to love me yet. I’m working on it. 

130 pouns down since last year. Thats a whole person. I know in my heart how much I’ve acheived. I think it’s time to take some new pictures to show myself just how far I’ve come.

Have you struggled with this? Let me know your story. 


Holiday Season

So much joy and love surrounds us and so much temptation. This is my first holiday season trying to fight the temptation around me. This is my first holiday season to do it alone. Don’t get me wrong, I have the greatest support system in the world. But my world, my kids, the motivation in NY life, aren’t around. So this has been tough.

I look at it this way. As temptation to completely slip up surrounds me, I know in the end I cannot go back to where I used to be. I look at pictures of myself from a year ago and see how far I’ve come. I will never let myself fall back onto my old ways. 

I have a doctor’s appointment for the first time in a while on Wednesday. I get to see if I have reached my goal of losing 100lbs this year. All the temptations have made it super hard but I have been working my but off. Keeping to what I can and only worrying a put the fact that I haven’t yet made myself a meal planning guru.

I wish you all the love and light this holiday season

Sparkle thoughts

Weighing in – Cookieholic’s Anonymous  

Well if we are being totally honest, and I did promise honesty, I feel totally fat today. That’s right, I said it, I am having a fat day.

 I have had a little over 4 hours of sleep, in the past 12 or so hours I have eaten an entire package of Milano mint cookie and two glasses of milk. No it wasn’t a binge, I didn’t do it I  hiding. I sat on the couch, watch American Horror Story and enjoyed each cookie as it melted in my milk than in my mouth. Why? Because I wanted them.

Simple as that, I wanted them. I have been stuck inside this house for pretty much a week now and I wanted some fucking cookies. I have been religiously been checking my weight, clothes on and off, morning and night, before and after the bathroom….why? Because there is nothing else to do. And honestly I’ve been worried that all this sitting around is making me pack in the pounds.

I have been doing the best I can puttering around the house, it seems though too much moving makes me collapse. Sticking my head outside, makes me collapse. Running for the door, makes me collapse. So on the edge of insanity, I wanted some fucking cookies. And they were delicious.

Is this a positive thing, absolutely not. And me justifying it is bogus. I could tell you I’ve lost 5 pounds in the past week, which I have, but that still isn’t an excuse for a Milano gorge. I can’t say I’m proud of myself because I’m not. However I am not going to sit here and beat myself up over it either. 

I am going to accept what I’ve done and make an effort not to do it again. I am going to do what I can to move my body while in the house. I am going to keep up on the path I’ve been going down because  I’ve been doing so good. I will not judge myself, I will instead commend myself for being able to admit my flaws and attempt to change my behavior. One day at a time, one step in front of the other. 

First Things First…Dieting Advice

So…This wasn’t how I was going to start my first day of the blog but since it needs to be addressed I will address it as such. I did not start this blog to gather dieting advice. I love to hear from everyone on what has worked for them and what they have tried in order to succeed in their goals. I am very PROUD that you are making your life work. I have started this blog to chronicle MY journey of weight loss, to discuss what has and hasn’t worked for me. NOT to solicit advice to to hear what I am doing wrong. I appreciate you telling me what I could do, but if I have told you that I have done it, please do not keep pushing it in my face to try something. You are going to start sounding like a broken record and generally going to stat to bug me.

I am GLAD that your diet worked for you

I most likely HAVE tried your diet and it either DIDN’T work for me or it sounded like something I DIDN’T think I wanted to try

I WILL be going into detail on the various diets I HAVE and HAVE NOT tried and hopefuly getting stories from people that they have worked for and not worked for so that you guys have a wide range of views

But in case you did not read the ABOUT section or the Welcome To My World post my journey is steadily going towards gastric sleeve surgery and is going to be focusing on my life pre and post op. Along with the issues surrounding weight loss with auto immune diseases, binge eating disorder and mental health problems.

As I have said I LOVE to hear from ALL of you so please keep an open mind, an open heart and stop knocking on my door with your dietary guidebook in your hand. Because  I will answer naked with a handful of pita chips and tell you I do not believe in the beach body you are selling.


Skin Envy

Ever since I wrote this I have been completely taken aback at the impact it has had on my life. As a disabled 32 year old that is still figuring everything out, you have given me the platform to speak about something that I feel is really important to a lot of people.

*This article was originally published in Elephant Journal. I was blessed to have had it make such a difference in the lives of the people that have read it. The link to it is at the bottom of the post. Please Enjoy. Share. Comment*

I have been having some bad days lately. Days where looking at the reflection of myself in the glass of buildings have made me cringe. I have fallen into a spiral, a struggle that I know I fight everyday.

Ever since I wrote this I have been completely taken aback at the impact it has had on my life. As a disabled 32 year old that is still figuring everything out, you have given me the platform to speak about something that I feel is really important to a lot of people.

I have received the kindest words, the most inspirational stories and the sweetest thank yous. From men in their twenties to women in their forties, teenage bloggers who have had a life harder than most should to people just overcoming their weight issues; my story has run the gamut of international emotions. And on days like today, when I can barely move, it is those stories that inspire me to write more. To smile and know that I have fulfilled one of my childhood dreams of touching the lives of people and making a difference.

So there you go, my diatribe. I would love for any of you to read my story and pass it along to those you think need it even if they don’t know it yet.

there is more of me to put out there, and I am finally brave enough to try.

Skin Envy