Do you see what I see?

I see the way you look at me, when I walk past you, or when I sit down just to get off my feet for a few minutes. While my kids, who are built like string beans play on the playground. I know what I look like, I know what over 300lbs looks like on a frame that is only 5’4. I know that I have a pretty face and I have huge boobs and a huge behind. I know that I have nice calves that are decorated by all my pretty ink. I know all this. But do you see what I see? I don’t know what part of me you are looking at. Do you see the girl underneath that is fighting to reclaim her life? The girl who struggles each day because what she sees in the mirror is not what her friends have reflected back to her. Do you see the girl who looks at numbers on the scale and wants to cry because they go up by an ounce and not down? Do you see the Mommy that misses having her kids around because then she has an excuse to walk around? Because she doesn’t like the way you notice her when she walks alone. She doesn’t like the way you stare.

Are you watching the sweat that beads down my face when I step out of the car? Or that pink shade I turn within a few steps because it’s hot, I’m Scottish and I am big? Are you looking for the person that is behind the sunglasses? Or are you staring at the way the summer clings the shirt I am wearing to my belly? Or are you wondering how my two wonderous sprites came from me? Sometimes I wonder that too. Are you judging what I’m drinking, because it’s water? When I look in the mirror I see that girl that Shallow Hal fell for, but the way everyone but him sees her. The only time I see the girl inside is when I look into my eyes. Then I see the girl inside fighting to get out. It is then that I push through, that I change the image. It is then that I am ok, that I am accepted and beautiful. It is then that I see the strength that I hold deep inside.

So tell me, what do you see when you look at me? Do you see what I see?



Author: Under the Guise of Glitter

Shaye is a stylistic editor and freelance photographer in Lancaster PA. Though growing up in New York gave her a wide perspective of life, being a gypsy finally made her plant her root where the air is fresh and so is the food. She is the Mommy of two wonderful kiddos. An Autism advocate and a green-tea-aholic. Self proclaimed geek, bookworm, pansexual and lover of everything that glitters. Currently she is trying to live out her dreams while writing of her life, love and loss.

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